4 years later

Chloe and Jeff

I can't believe it has been 4 years since my Uncle, Jeff Herrud passed away. Last year on the anniversary of his death, I went almost the whole day without even thinking about it. When I realized what day it was, I was pleased that maybe I had been able move on. Fast forward to one year later. Today. I woke up feeling on edge. Sad and ready to cry. Then I remembered what day it was. I got up and got going thinking, "If I get my day started and keep busy I will be O.K." Yeah right. I got in the shower and completely had a break down. I miss him so much. I want him back. I got out of the shower and started to get ready. Turned on the news to hopefully get my mind off of it. And it didn't work. Great! I had only been up a half an hour and I have already cried hard twice! This is gonna be a fun day. Especially for someone who isn't much of a crier. It took me longer than usual but I finally made it to work. And THANK YOU to the wonderful students and coworkers who kept me busy and kept me smiling. I was able to get out of the funk.

I believe that when someone passes away so quickly and unexpectedly it makes it harder. His death was so sudden. And the day before Thanksgiving nonetheless. I had to dig deep that holiday, and remind myself of how thankful I truly was. He was a good friend to me, and it hurts that he is gone. When my Mom told me I kept thinking, "No, she is wrong!" My Grandfather was dying, surely she meant him. But she wasn't. I think I will take my kids to the Jubilee of Trees here in Cedar tonight. I am really beginning to dislike the holidays. My Grandpas both died shortly before Christmas and my Grandma and Uncle right before Thanksgiving. I need to work harder at making it a happy time for me. Ok, enough whining. :)

Way too fast

My friend Stephanie, recently posted about her 1 year old daughter. It brought a smile to my face, because it is her first. I remember how meticulous I was with Dylan. How the magic of it all just blew me away. Not that I didn't enjoy it with my other two just as much, but by then I was used to it. I envy her in some ways. That is such a fun time in my life. Do I wanna go back? uh..no. But now I look at my oldest son who is now 10 and realize how time has flown. He is in fifth grade now. He is learning things from his peers, usually weird things, but boy things. His head reaches my nose. He isn't a little boy! I just picture that sweet little boy who lit up my world with everything. Now he is horrified if I show up at his school. I recently went to join Chloe for lunch at her school. When I asked Dylan if he wanted me to eat with him I got an emphatic, "NO MOM!" and a 'how dare you even ask that question' look. It didn't make me feel bad, or sad. It made me chuckle. Because it made me glad that he is his own person. He has his social group and is thriving. Remember last year when he was having anxiety and barely making it? Well now he is getting straight A's, and is enjoying school. He has a wonderful teacher who supports him and makes him feel special. It makes all the difference. I will forever be grateful to Mrs. Mackleprang. She has quickly turned him around with her enthusiasm and encouragement. I just remember how a year ago, I was so worried about him. Now I only worry a normal Mommy worry. Chloe is growing up too, as a big 7 year old. In second grade. She has a thirst for knowledge and an enthusiasm that carries over to home. She teaches her now 4 year old brother Colton everything she can. That is her baby. Watching them grow and become their own person is the most wonderful thing. I do sometimes miss having a tiny baby around. But I am enjoying this phase a lot too, and am always wondering what will happen next.

My job is going well. I love what I do. I love making a difference in someones life. That is so important to me. I want to make peoples lives better. I have felt so 'unimportant' and 'insignificant' in the world. I love making people smile. I try to make sure that if they don't smile the rest of the day, they got at least one from me. I got into the mindset of, "I am just a Mom." I knew that was important, but it didn't feel that way. My coworkers are great. The students are great and it is an amazing job to have. I do suffer from the guilt of not being here all day. It is hard to do the same thing for 11 years and then change it so suddenly. I feel bad that I send my kid to a babysitter. Even tho it is only for a few hours and he has so much fun that he can't wait to go back. I worry about not being here if one of the other two need me. Even tho they are at school while I am gone. It is an inner struggle with myself. The positives very much so, outweigh the bad. Sometimes I think I should have had a career before starting a family. But I wouldn't have what I have now. And I wouldn't change it for the world.