Un-coolest Mom!

Well it has happened. I am no longer the young hip Mom. I am now crossing over to the "un with it" Mom. I knew it would happen. Just wish I could have prevented it from happening. I don't think I am old or that I have let my appearance go to hell. I am now among the ranks of your average Mama. Where I should be. What has brought this on? A lot of things. The latest is WWE. I remember the days of Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man, Bret the Hitman Hart, Rowdy Roddy Piper.... My brother, my Dad and I used to watch these guys obsessively when it was the WWF. One of the highlights of my childhood was getting second row seats to watching Andre the Giant take on the Ultimate Warrior. WOW! That man was HUMONGOUS!! My Mom was a poor victim. She gave the sigh/eye roll and accepted the fact that now her Saturday nights would be monopolized to a scripted "sport". Fast forward to now. I am learning terms like the "five knuckle shuffle" and John Cena. My kids run in to tell me that someone is hurt, knocked out or possibly died. I give them a "that's nice dear". When I could care less because I think it is ridiculous. And go about my business. Then there is video games. I remember the days of Nintendo. Bryce and I played for hours. My Mom would come in and give us a "really?" look. She could never understand and I couldn't understand how she didn't enjoy em. I now give Dylan the same look at the games he plays now. The look is a cross between confusion, disgust and "what's the point?" Followed by an eye roll.

I get ditched by Dylan all the time. At the store, at the park, at the swimming pool. I see little or none of my oldest until the moment right before it is time to leave. I mean the SECOND before it is time to leave. Then the quick, "Let's go!" and hurried off since he doesn't want to be seen by the MOM thing. We went to a movie today. I invited my Mom, you know...Grandma..to join. Dylan sat in the row in front of us.

I find myself looking for more comfortable clothing rather than cute things. I would rather be able to breath, bend over or walk without pain than look all hot and sexy. If I can get those qualities AND be stylish I feel like I hit the jackpot. What's going on here?!?! I am only 35!! In my mind I feel like I am 20. UGH.

Divorce

Yes you read that right. Tom and I are getting divorced. It was never an easy decision but it is for the best. Now if you think I am going to get into bashing and telling you how horrible he was to me, you are in the wrong place. I may be immature, but I am not THAT immature. I share the blame. It is too easy for me to sit here and air all my grievances. I have a captive audience here. That isn't fair to Tom. Or my kids.

It is really hard to pinpoint exactly when things started to unravel. It has been a few years I imagine. Brought on so slowly that by the time we got to the point of, "I QUIT!" there is really nothing to be done to fix it. It comes down to, we were both miserable and life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Don't get me wrong, we both tried in our own ways to make it work. But eventually you fall out of love and the fighting becomes too much. It was affecting our children. Chloe even wrote me a note that told us that we needed to get it together.

So here is how it goes:
Early in December we decided to call it quits. Yet, it wasn't the right time. Christmas was coming and I wanted it to be a happy time for my kids. We agreed to try one more time. That didn't last more than two weeks. Something came over me on Christmas day. A feeling of total anxiety and on the verge of a breakdown. Xanax was the only thing the kept me from having a meltdown in front of everyone. That led to arguments in regards to my behavior and then ultimately the decision the next day. We just can't do this anymore. We knew that this was only going to get worse. Eventually we would start resenting and hating each other and all that does is harm us all more. Tom decided to give it a few days. Some space between Christmas and the conversation with our kids that was going to change their lives dramatically. On Friday, December 30th, Tom came home from work and we sat them down and told them. Colton didn't really seem to care one way or another. He is barely 4 at this time so he really didn't know what had happened. Chloe's reaction surprised us, "I knew this was going to happen." She isn't thrilled about it but seems to be OK. Dylan is the hard one. He completely came apart. I knew he would react pretty hard but it still breaks my heart. After that, Tom left. I know it was so hard for him. But I also know deep in my heart that we are doing what is best for us and for our children. So I am adjusting to the "Single Mom" role. I think I am doing quite well actually. I was the primary caregiver before so the adjustment wasn't too bad.

The hard part is the feeling of failure. I have made my kids a statistic. Watching Dylan struggle with his emotions has been rough. I eventually put him in with the school counselor. I just don't know how to help him. He is getting so much better tho. I am hopeful that this will get him through it. I have been to an attorney, it is almost a done deal. We went through the divorce parenting classes, WHAT A JOKE!! ACK!!! Tom and I had a couple of struggles at first but seem to have worked most of it out. It has been better for us both. I am no longer bitching and nagging at him and he is no longer angry and frustrated with me. We are both ready to move on. I truly hope he finds someone to make him happy. This is how I know I am ready for it. I would be sincerely happy if he found a good woman. I would even encourage it. Of course I still care about him. We were married for over 12 years and we have 3 kids together. We just changed so much, and we did it apart rather than together. I am so ready for this new chapter. Scared to death about how I am going to be able be financially secure, what struggles are my kids going to throw at me. But sincerely optimistic about the future. :) I have also found out who is truly my friend. Who out there REALLY cares about me. It has been sad sometimes to find out who means it when they say, "I will always be there for you." I have had a hand full of people turn their back on me. Some make me more sad than others, but it is a life lesson.

So sorry if this isn't a bitter rant about how I was wronged. I guess I am growing up.