Next item on my resume: Preschool teacher

  What a difference a year makes. I went from a SAHM to three kids, to Special Ed mentor (unofficially I was a teacher, I prefer mentor :)) to now a Preschool teacher. All in just over a year.  Don't get me wrong. I LOVED my job at Cedar High.  But circumstances made a change necessary. 

  First off, my divorce was finalized mid July. It is weird, and I hate that this is the way my life went. But it is what it is as they say, and there is always good that can come out of a situation. 

  So what would make me decide to give up a job that I loved? And frankly I felt I was quite good at? Because I wasn't ever allowed to go over 15 hours a week .  When I got divorced, I lost my health insurance through Tom's work. And frankly I can't survive on that little. So I went searching for full time work. I really started searching around April. I spent a mind boggling amount of time filling out paper work and cover letters, resumes and getting friends to write me letters of recommendation. Going on interviews *YUCK* and getting the "thanks but no thanks" calls and letters. In this economy, I was relieved that I even got interviewed!!!! I expected it to take at least a year before I found anything. 

  I found this advertisement for a special needs pre-school teacher in St. George, about an hour away. I strangely enough had all the qualifications necessary, a degree with ECD as a minor and experience with special education in a school setting.  I got called in for an interview and told that they would contact me in a few days. A couple of weeks later I never got the call nor even a letter. Which I found strange, because HR would usually send me a note or email for a position with the school district. 

  Then I got a call from a lady who said she really wanted to talk to me ASAP. I knew it had something to do with preschool but it was a different program. I later found out that she saw my paper work with the special needs preschool and pulled my file. I got taken into an interview. When I got there I saw about 20 people waiting for an interview, and a steady stream of people coming in and out of there with resumes in hand. I thought to myself, "Oh great, another waste of time. Let's get this over with." I started chatting with other people waiting and realized I was interviewing for something completely different. I got taken aside and talked to the lady. She basically told me that the job was mine. She loved my background, my enthusiasm, (I hear that a lot lol), and my education. Only one catch. The school they wanted me in is only 2/3 time. BUT, if the full time position opens up at another school, I get first consideration and they are working hard to make Washington Elementary full time anyway.  I realized that this was an opportunity that I needed to grasp. Especially in this economy, in three months I managed to find a professional position that will eventually be full time with insurance and they wanted me! BADLY! I can't tell you how good that felt. To have someone say, "I want you here. I would love it if you joined us!"

  So I took it. I am now the preschool teacher at Washington Elementary. It is twilight zone sort of moments tho, I went k-3 there! I am passing my old classrooms on a daily basis. It is a fun, warm, fuzzy feeling. Nostalgic and makes me long for that certain simple and magical time in one's life. 

  The job is GREAT. I work with the greatest most supportive people I know. I hate getting up in the morning, but I love going to work. I will write more about it later. But figured it is time for an update. Anyone that used to attend Washington, we should have a mini reunion and go visit our stomping grounds!!!

  

Simply the best

With her Rocky Daddy

Today my Grandma, Anna Cecile Coleman Hamblin went on to be with her true love. My Grandpa. I can just picture her right now, in his arms. So happy to forever be with her soul-mate I would be lying if I didn't say I was a wreck right now. Tears have been flowing all afternoon with no sign of stopping. I was in the process of driving from St. George to Cedar when I had to pull over a couple of times. It got so bad, I had to call my Mom so she could talk me down and I could drive the last ten miles.  I really don't get it. I knew it was going to happen, and it needed to happen. She wasn't well at all. Most of the time she had no idea who anyone was, and she looked horrible.But then again I guess I do know. She was like a best friend to me. I could always count on her. For a handful of years, it seemed like it was just the two of us. And to tell you the truth, I liked it that way. I liked being her lunch date, or the one who took her to her Dr. appointment, or shopping for a new sweater. She loved to dote on me when I needed a hand. Like when I was so sick with morning sickness I had to go to the hospital and get IVs. Who sat there in the room with me while I slept and just watched me? Yep her.  

Great Grandma loved Great Grand-babies

She really is the greatest Grandma to have. I remember watching the Lorax with my kids. When the Grandma had faked having difficulty playing a game so her Grandson could go do what he really wanted to do, that was her. She would do anything for anyone. She was always putting other peoples happiness above her own. When we would mess up, she didn't judge me. She was a nurse by trade and was always helping out. She would volunteer gladly and enjoyed it. She had a true giving heart. She had a small family, an only child. 3 kids of her own and 4 grand-kids, and 5 greats. She had a special relationship with all of us. She made us feel so important. 

Bryce, Jamie, Grandma, Lisa, Kirk - Proud Grandma with her Grand-kids

Grandma and Bryce

I went and saw her yesterday. It was so bad. My cousin and I crawled up next to her. I do have a picture of that, but no that will not be posted. She was a very proper woman, and I couldn't ever share that with the world at the cost of her dignity. We told her how wonderful she is. How proud we are to have her as our Grandma. She was unresponsive, but held our hands in a powerful grip.We talked about all the dingy and zany moments she had, and laughed. I told her what my kids were up to, What changes were going on in my life. I vowed to live my life in a way that would make her proud. I just held her, and she seemed to like it. When I knew it was my final goodbye I kissed her, told to hug my Grandpa, and told her I loved her so much. I told her it wasn't good bye, just a long see you later. For some reason I had to see her eyes one last time. Its like she knew it. One eye came open and I got to see the one thing I know I inherited from her, the blue eyes.

In the end she slipped quietly away. Oh how I wish I could see her and my Grandpa reunite.  I know she is better off, but gosh it hurts so bad right now. Rest in peace my sweet, sweet Grandma. It's gonna be hard without you but I know you are here. I love you!!!

Great Grandma and Dylan

feeding Chloe ice cream!

Great Grandma daring you to take Colton away

with Jamie, Chloe, Whitni and Dylan

Un-coolest Mom!

Well it has happened. I am no longer the young hip Mom. I am now crossing over to the "un with it" Mom. I knew it would happen. Just wish I could have prevented it from happening. I don't think I am old or that I have let my appearance go to hell. I am now among the ranks of your average Mama. Where I should be. What has brought this on? A lot of things. The latest is WWE. I remember the days of Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man, Bret the Hitman Hart, Rowdy Roddy Piper.... My brother, my Dad and I used to watch these guys obsessively when it was the WWF. One of the highlights of my childhood was getting second row seats to watching Andre the Giant take on the Ultimate Warrior. WOW! That man was HUMONGOUS!! My Mom was a poor victim. She gave the sigh/eye roll and accepted the fact that now her Saturday nights would be monopolized to a scripted "sport". Fast forward to now. I am learning terms like the "five knuckle shuffle" and John Cena. My kids run in to tell me that someone is hurt, knocked out or possibly died. I give them a "that's nice dear". When I could care less because I think it is ridiculous. And go about my business. Then there is video games. I remember the days of Nintendo. Bryce and I played for hours. My Mom would come in and give us a "really?" look. She could never understand and I couldn't understand how she didn't enjoy em. I now give Dylan the same look at the games he plays now. The look is a cross between confusion, disgust and "what's the point?" Followed by an eye roll.

I get ditched by Dylan all the time. At the store, at the park, at the swimming pool. I see little or none of my oldest until the moment right before it is time to leave. I mean the SECOND before it is time to leave. Then the quick, "Let's go!" and hurried off since he doesn't want to be seen by the MOM thing. We went to a movie today. I invited my Mom, you know...Grandma..to join. Dylan sat in the row in front of us.

I find myself looking for more comfortable clothing rather than cute things. I would rather be able to breath, bend over or walk without pain than look all hot and sexy. If I can get those qualities AND be stylish I feel like I hit the jackpot. What's going on here?!?! I am only 35!! In my mind I feel like I am 20. UGH.

Divorce

Yes you read that right. Tom and I are getting divorced. It was never an easy decision but it is for the best. Now if you think I am going to get into bashing and telling you how horrible he was to me, you are in the wrong place. I may be immature, but I am not THAT immature. I share the blame. It is too easy for me to sit here and air all my grievances. I have a captive audience here. That isn't fair to Tom. Or my kids.

It is really hard to pinpoint exactly when things started to unravel. It has been a few years I imagine. Brought on so slowly that by the time we got to the point of, "I QUIT!" there is really nothing to be done to fix it. It comes down to, we were both miserable and life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Don't get me wrong, we both tried in our own ways to make it work. But eventually you fall out of love and the fighting becomes too much. It was affecting our children. Chloe even wrote me a note that told us that we needed to get it together.

So here is how it goes:
Early in December we decided to call it quits. Yet, it wasn't the right time. Christmas was coming and I wanted it to be a happy time for my kids. We agreed to try one more time. That didn't last more than two weeks. Something came over me on Christmas day. A feeling of total anxiety and on the verge of a breakdown. Xanax was the only thing the kept me from having a meltdown in front of everyone. That led to arguments in regards to my behavior and then ultimately the decision the next day. We just can't do this anymore. We knew that this was only going to get worse. Eventually we would start resenting and hating each other and all that does is harm us all more. Tom decided to give it a few days. Some space between Christmas and the conversation with our kids that was going to change their lives dramatically. On Friday, December 30th, Tom came home from work and we sat them down and told them. Colton didn't really seem to care one way or another. He is barely 4 at this time so he really didn't know what had happened. Chloe's reaction surprised us, "I knew this was going to happen." She isn't thrilled about it but seems to be OK. Dylan is the hard one. He completely came apart. I knew he would react pretty hard but it still breaks my heart. After that, Tom left. I know it was so hard for him. But I also know deep in my heart that we are doing what is best for us and for our children. So I am adjusting to the "Single Mom" role. I think I am doing quite well actually. I was the primary caregiver before so the adjustment wasn't too bad.

The hard part is the feeling of failure. I have made my kids a statistic. Watching Dylan struggle with his emotions has been rough. I eventually put him in with the school counselor. I just don't know how to help him. He is getting so much better tho. I am hopeful that this will get him through it. I have been to an attorney, it is almost a done deal. We went through the divorce parenting classes, WHAT A JOKE!! ACK!!! Tom and I had a couple of struggles at first but seem to have worked most of it out. It has been better for us both. I am no longer bitching and nagging at him and he is no longer angry and frustrated with me. We are both ready to move on. I truly hope he finds someone to make him happy. This is how I know I am ready for it. I would be sincerely happy if he found a good woman. I would even encourage it. Of course I still care about him. We were married for over 12 years and we have 3 kids together. We just changed so much, and we did it apart rather than together. I am so ready for this new chapter. Scared to death about how I am going to be able be financially secure, what struggles are my kids going to throw at me. But sincerely optimistic about the future. :) I have also found out who is truly my friend. Who out there REALLY cares about me. It has been sad sometimes to find out who means it when they say, "I will always be there for you." I have had a hand full of people turn their back on me. Some make me more sad than others, but it is a life lesson.

So sorry if this isn't a bitter rant about how I was wronged. I guess I am growing up.