Perspectives

Today was one of those days for me. I can't really explain it. Anyone who has battled depression might understand. From the moment I woke up I just had this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I laid there in bed listening to Dylan and Chloe doing their "chores" so that they could go over to their cousins house. Eventually my bedroom door opened, "Mom can we go to Tyson's house?" I gave a very un-present like answer of "Yea, be back by 11." I listened to Colton yell at me and try to make me get up. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. It took me a half an hour of contemplation to finally force myself up. I got Colton out of the crib and methodically did the morning routine. Get dressed, change diapers, pick up a little, comb my hair, make up. But no matter what nothing made me shake that "impending doom" feeling that I get. Feelings like something very bad is about to happen, or someone is out to get me. Anxiety. I knew I was feeling a panic attack coming on but I was being stubborn and thinking, "GET A GRIP!" I went and took my daily Zoloft dose and then finally decided, "What the hell?" And took a mild dose of the Xanax. I don't like to take the Xanax when there isn't another adult around. But time has taught me that I need to listen to myself when the warning signs are there. Xanax has done the trick on taking the edge off of it all but the sadness was still all consuming. With that sadness comes anger. I should be happy! I have a very good life! I know it is a condition that I have, but come on! So I kept myself busy being the Mom, taking care of kids, dishes, laundry, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming. Usually if I can keep myself occupied, my mind will wander and I will forget all the whining in my head. It helped but I still couldn't shake it! Then I figured, this is just not a good day in my mind. So I went to the computer and logged on. One of the groups I have created on facebook sent me to a woman's blog. A Mother, who had lost her son a few years ago in a go cart accident. I won't name them out of respect for their privacy. She wrote a detailed description of the day of the accident and the motions that she had to go through the following days. It was heart breaking. I cried for her. I never met her, but wanted to go find her, hug her, and tell her I was here for her. I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. She even describes her life now, and the grief is still pretty raw. Yet through reading all of this sadness, my life regained the perspective it usually has. I am overall a happy person. I realize how lucky I am. It was as tho God was showing me what I needed to get out of the funk. Thank you Lord! So now, I need to go salvage what is left of today.