4 years later

Chloe and Jeff

I can't believe it has been 4 years since my Uncle, Jeff Herrud passed away. Last year on the anniversary of his death, I went almost the whole day without even thinking about it. When I realized what day it was, I was pleased that maybe I had been able move on. Fast forward to one year later. Today. I woke up feeling on edge. Sad and ready to cry. Then I remembered what day it was. I got up and got going thinking, "If I get my day started and keep busy I will be O.K." Yeah right. I got in the shower and completely had a break down. I miss him so much. I want him back. I got out of the shower and started to get ready. Turned on the news to hopefully get my mind off of it. And it didn't work. Great! I had only been up a half an hour and I have already cried hard twice! This is gonna be a fun day. Especially for someone who isn't much of a crier. It took me longer than usual but I finally made it to work. And THANK YOU to the wonderful students and coworkers who kept me busy and kept me smiling. I was able to get out of the funk.

I believe that when someone passes away so quickly and unexpectedly it makes it harder. His death was so sudden. And the day before Thanksgiving nonetheless. I had to dig deep that holiday, and remind myself of how thankful I truly was. He was a good friend to me, and it hurts that he is gone. When my Mom told me I kept thinking, "No, she is wrong!" My Grandfather was dying, surely she meant him. But she wasn't. I think I will take my kids to the Jubilee of Trees here in Cedar tonight. I am really beginning to dislike the holidays. My Grandpas both died shortly before Christmas and my Grandma and Uncle right before Thanksgiving. I need to work harder at making it a happy time for me. Ok, enough whining. :)

Way too fast

My friend Stephanie, recently posted about her 1 year old daughter. It brought a smile to my face, because it is her first. I remember how meticulous I was with Dylan. How the magic of it all just blew me away. Not that I didn't enjoy it with my other two just as much, but by then I was used to it. I envy her in some ways. That is such a fun time in my life. Do I wanna go back? uh..no. But now I look at my oldest son who is now 10 and realize how time has flown. He is in fifth grade now. He is learning things from his peers, usually weird things, but boy things. His head reaches my nose. He isn't a little boy! I just picture that sweet little boy who lit up my world with everything. Now he is horrified if I show up at his school. I recently went to join Chloe for lunch at her school. When I asked Dylan if he wanted me to eat with him I got an emphatic, "NO MOM!" and a 'how dare you even ask that question' look. It didn't make me feel bad, or sad. It made me chuckle. Because it made me glad that he is his own person. He has his social group and is thriving. Remember last year when he was having anxiety and barely making it? Well now he is getting straight A's, and is enjoying school. He has a wonderful teacher who supports him and makes him feel special. It makes all the difference. I will forever be grateful to Mrs. Mackleprang. She has quickly turned him around with her enthusiasm and encouragement. I just remember how a year ago, I was so worried about him. Now I only worry a normal Mommy worry. Chloe is growing up too, as a big 7 year old. In second grade. She has a thirst for knowledge and an enthusiasm that carries over to home. She teaches her now 4 year old brother Colton everything she can. That is her baby. Watching them grow and become their own person is the most wonderful thing. I do sometimes miss having a tiny baby around. But I am enjoying this phase a lot too, and am always wondering what will happen next.

My job is going well. I love what I do. I love making a difference in someones life. That is so important to me. I want to make peoples lives better. I have felt so 'unimportant' and 'insignificant' in the world. I love making people smile. I try to make sure that if they don't smile the rest of the day, they got at least one from me. I got into the mindset of, "I am just a Mom." I knew that was important, but it didn't feel that way. My coworkers are great. The students are great and it is an amazing job to have. I do suffer from the guilt of not being here all day. It is hard to do the same thing for 11 years and then change it so suddenly. I feel bad that I send my kid to a babysitter. Even tho it is only for a few hours and he has so much fun that he can't wait to go back. I worry about not being here if one of the other two need me. Even tho they are at school while I am gone. It is an inner struggle with myself. The positives very much so, outweigh the bad. Sometimes I think I should have had a career before starting a family. But I wouldn't have what I have now. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

New Job

I now have 2 weeks under my belt at the new job. I have to say I enjoy it. I am still shocked at how easy it was to get hired, and how badly they wanted me there. These facts make me want to work even harder to make them glad that they hired me and not regret their decision. I saw a waiting room full of people hoping to get this job and only I and one other person got it. I feel a bit guilty about it because there are so many people out there looking for work, and this just fell in my lap. This job is so good for me for so many reasons. 1. It helps me earn a little extra money that we can definitely use right now. 2. It makes me happy to actually be using my degree that has been sitting idle for 11 years. 3. I get out of the house for a few hours a day. Something that helps with my depression and dumb issues. It makes me a happier person. 4. Colton gets to play with his friend for a few hours which is great since his older siblings are now in school. 5. It will look great on a resume. 6. Since it is within the Iron County School District system, I have the same days off as my other kids, so I won't have to worry about what to do with them when they are out of school.

This list could keep going but I will stop there. I should explain what this job is exactly. I work at what is called a POST High School. It is an extension of HS for special ed students, after they are done at their regular HS. They can attend the POST high up until they turn 22 when they age out. What I and my coworkers do is help them develop real world skills so that they can be a bit more functional in society. Dealing with money, work environments, basic math and reading, and how to properly conduct themselves in public. Due to privacy issues I can't be too specific about the students. But I can say that they are a challenge that I love and they make me laugh every day. My only gripe is having to get up early. Not only do I have to get myself ready I have to get 3 kids ready too. Needless to say it is a bit wild here in the mornings. I am happy that it has me on a more steady schedule and I am happy to say that I lost 5 pounds during the month of August. YAY!! So there you have it. I am still crazy, but a happier, working Mom crazy. :o)

Why you should get a degree

Any degree. Whatever interests you. As long as it is a legitimate degree it serves you well. I have just realized that. I have been a SAHM now for 10 years. It has been a fun ride, hard and aggravating, yet the best thing I have ever done. Yet, I have this thing inside me that wants to go to work. I have been trying to see if I can help my Mom find a job and in the meantime I have seen a few positions that interested me. I do the, "What the heck, it won't hurt to try!" My thing is, I am a bit picky. It has to be pretty easy to work around my kids' schedule. Because they are my priority. I just figured if I was patient, the right thing will come along. Well it finally happened. In order to be the easiest with my kids' schedule, I knew it would be best to work within the school district. I saw a few positions available at various schools, and 5 minutes before the deadline for the application was due, I turned it in. The following morning, yesterday, I got a call to come in for an interview in the early afternoon. Wow that was quick! I went in and interviewed for the position of "Paraprofessional for students with special needs" position. A part time position, another thing I wanted, working with older high school students with special needs. I had tried for the High School closest to me. They told me if I was selected, they would call that evening, if not then thank you for coming in. I didn't hear anything last night. So I figured it was not meant to be. Oh well, woulda been kind of perfect but oh well. This morning I got up and got my kids ready for the first day of school YAY! Doted on Chloe since it is her 7th birthday, and drove them to school. I went to the gym and worked out, and then went to the store. On the way I called my Mom and she said she hadn't been able to reach me on my phone. It was weird. Oh well, it is fixed now. I chatted with my Mom for a minute and then finished my shopping. My phone then rang. I answered it, and the lady on the other line said, "Jamie! I have been trying to call you since last night!" (seriously? what is wrong with this phone?!?!) It was one of the ladies from the interview. I got the position!! It wasn't at the school I had gone for, but the other one in town, and she was impressed. So tomorrow morning I start working. I have been busy getting everything together and arrangements made. My friend will watch Colton and the other two will just ride the bus to school. I am excited. Not really nervous, but happy that I can contribute to our family more.

Now why did I mention the whole degree thing? Because I couldn't even have applied if I didn't have one. That is becoming the norm. My degree isn't in education. Yes my minor was child development, but my major was Sociology. Proof that it doesn't really matter as long as you have one. I stopped into my step daughters dorm, she is moving here today, and shared with her and her cousin/roomie that, "See? An education does pay off!"

12 week challenge

Recently, I decided to take part in an online weight loss challenge. I figured since I was trying to get my hiney in shape it would be cool to win a prize in the mean time. Well today is the last day of the challenge. I don't know if I won or lost, I will know next week. Win or lose, I will be glad that I have indeed lost a little more. I have been working more on strength training than weight loss. I just don't have the love for Zumba and elliptical machines that so many others have. I had to post pictures up from the beginning, middle and today. I am going to share them here.....still this is kind of humiliating. But it will keep me honest and motivated!

Beginning: Yes, they are the pics from before. I was the same size.





Middle Week:




Final Week: TODAY!

I know, you can't see a real difference. Neither can I. But, let me give you the final official numbers. In 12 weeks I have lost 16 pounds and all over 16.5 inches. So I am pleased. Still not swimsuit ready. But I am getting there!
Oh and if you haven't noticed, I am now in fact, a brunette. I decided the days of bleach blond are over. I am loving this evolvement. I guess I am going for an all over change!

Vacation Day #1 And I am OFF!!!

So to start out the "Vacation" blog I decided to do a day by day. So much happened! Also if you want to see the rest of my pics from this trip you will have to check my facebook page.

My vacation started on March 21st in the afternoon. After Tom got home. I must admit I felt a little sad and a whole lot guilty leaving them all behind. But I needed this. I drove to my parents house to trade vehicles and to tell them goodbye. Things didn't start out so smooth as that night, my Mom had lost her job. She has worked in this same position for 28 years, and they let her go over a ridiculous mistake. But that is a whole story in itself. I finally made it to my Aunt's house and hunkered down for the night. I decided I really wanted to sleep on the plane so I stayed up all night, and I had to leave at about 4 a.m. since my flight was scheduled to leave at 6. My cousin drove me to the airport at the wonderful time and I was off. I flew to Chicago, where it was cold and wet, and then I was off to Philly. I got to Philly, got shuttled to my hotel and then met up with friends that night. I had a few beers, unfortunately I am used to Utah's watered down version so I quickly became "fun". The conversations at the small hotel bar were fun. One gal there said, "I was in Montana once and they have these metal bars in the road to keep cows in!" I said, "Cattle guards?" LOL. I was loving the contrast of our lives there. I hung out and had a good time. But I was also exhausted. I had slept a little but not a lot on the plane and throw a couple of beers in there and I was about to drop! I went to my hotel room and immediately fell asleep. It was about 10 local time, which is 8 here in Utah.

Day #2 Jersey!

I slept good and hard that night. I woke up when my brother texted me asking me when I wanted him to come get me. So I called him, gave him the addy and got ready. I hadn't seen the butthead in 2 years, so I was excited. I met him in the hotel lobby and he gave me the biggest bear hug. We went back to my room and got my bags and then we headed off. I was so hungry cause I had skipped dinner so he drove me into New Jersey and we went to a little cafe for breakfast. My first impressions of the Northeast? Very crowded. It is like people live on top of each other. I am just so used to spacious living I would imagine. There are a lot of trees and one thing people out west don't really understand is rivers. I remember when I was in the Southeast and I thought the same thing. The rivers are huge out there! Everywhere has its good points and bad. Bryce had to do some training since he is being deployed in May. So I sat at his apartment and watched TV and got some rest. He came back and we went to a steakhouse for supper. We then returned to his place and rested up cause the next day we were heading to DC.

Day #3 Washington, DC

We got up and went to the local Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast. Sad to say, that is the first time I ever experienced a DD. Then we went to a storage unit place since Bryce was going to be giving up his apartment and needed a place to put his stuff while he was deployed for 6 months. Afterward, we headed south. Since this was all so very new to me, I stayed glued to the window. Looking at everything. I got my first time in Delaware, and that is another thing. The bridges out there are stunning! Delaware was, interesting. Also a very short drive before we were in Maryland. I got to see Baltimore. Bryce had gotten us a hotel room in a town called Laurel. We got to the hotel and got our stuff in and asked the front desk how the best way to do DC was. This was the one place that he hadn't ever been to. Kinda neat to be a tourist with him! She gave us maps and directions to the nearest Metro station. We got there and got our day passes for the Metro and we were on the subway. We chose the L'Enfant stop. Well, Bryce did. I didn't even attempt to know what I was doing. We ended up in the middle of somewhere lol. After about 5 minutes of doing the, "Where the hell are we?" we figured it out. My first impression of DC was that it was very beautiful. We made our way to the "Mall" area, and decided to head towards the Capitol first. While walking the museums had caught our eye. The first one in particular got Bryce's. The Air and Space Museum. Upon a closer look we realized it was part of the Smithsonian! OMG! I got so excited! Why do you ask? Because that is a "bucket list" item for me. Ever since I knew there was a Smithsonian I wanted to go and swore that one day I would. Tho, this wasn't necessarily my cup o tea I have to admit that it was really cool. I saw the Wright Brothers plane that they used, the Spirit of St. Louis, and of course a ton of memorabilia from the space missions. Afterward we made our way to the US Capitol which was nice and then we went back towards where the Whitehouse was. Along the way my brother needed to duck in to one of the buildings and we realized we were at the US History Smithsonian. AWESOME! This was the one I wanted to go to. I was so impressed, getting to see Washington's uniform, tons of artifacts from our history, Dorothy's ruby red slippers, the counter from the "sit-ins". I coulda spent all day there. But we only had so much time. We left after a few hours and walked along to the White House. Another must see item. Of course I am only skimming through everything we saw, but you should get the idea. After that we were pretty tired from walking what we calculated as almost 4 miles, not including the massive museums we ran through! We found the closest station and made our way back to the truck and found a place for dinner. Got back to the hotel and settled in. Bryce zonked practically immediately after we got there and I had a bath and was soon out. A very busy day.

Day #4 - Solemn

We got up pretty slowly today. LOL. I think our muscles weren't impressed with us. All I can say is I am glad that I work out. There is no way I coulda done all the walking and climbing and standing I did the day before and then get up and do a practical repeat! We weren't sure exactly what we would be doing. I really wanted to go to the Holocaust Museum and Bryce wanted to hit the war Memorials. Other than that we didn't know. We decided to go to Arlington. I do have a love for cemeteries, and this is probably the most well known in the nation. We got on the train and made our way to Virgina. (another state to knock off my list!). We purchased a tour bus ticket. And the first stop was the Kennedy's grave. It was really a neat place. Not only did we see JFK's and Jackie O's along with their two kids buried there, but we also saw Bobby Kennedy and Ted Kennedy's too! After a couple of photos we hopped back on the bus and the next stop was the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. We got there in the middle of the changing of the guard and couldn't really see much through the crowd already there. Bryce really wanted to see it so we waited front and center for the next go around. Didn't really mind tho, watching the soldier walk back and forth and observing the tomb itself wasn't too boring funny enough. We watched the changing of the guard and some laying of wreaths. I am amazed at the precision and perfection. Very neat. We got on the next bus and headed to the Arlington House. I had heard about its beginnings before but never really paid attention to the story, so it was like I was hearing it for the first time. We walked through the house that had no furniture since it was undergoing a renovation. Saw the slaves quarters and then we hopped on the bus again. Of course I can't speak about a trip to Arlington without talking about the moment that you see those infamous white headstones. It seems as if they go on forever. It is so beautiful, and then you think, "Every single one of those represents a soldier who is gone."

After Arlington we headed back to DC and walked over to the Holocaust museum. There were no tickets left for the day, but thankfully since my bro was military, we got right in. That is also a very sobering experience. Seeing actual items from the Holocaust and its victims. All the propaganda, torture, murder and cruelty. It is so sad, yet intensely interesting. We didn't know how huge that museum is. There is so much information and items to go through. I made a mental note that next time I would plan on being there all day. We probably were able to actually read maybe a third of the information available. We would have been longer but wanted to see the war memorials too. So we left and walked over to the Washington monument. We walked up next to it, and boy is that thing tall! after that we headed to the WWII Monument, which was also quite big. We were hoping to see the reflecting pool but all we saw was the bottom of it. It is being "renovated" LOL. We went to the Korean War monument, the Lincoln and then finally the Vietnam Memorial and wall. That one got us both quiet. Needless to say we were very tired and sore. So we headed back home. I totally fell in love with Washington DC.

Day #5 - NYC

A smart person would have taken the day off. But there was so much I wanted to see and I didn't have time to be smart about it. So this day..Saturday.. we headed to NYC. Driving into town we saw the Statue of Liberty and then Bryce drove me by Ground Zero. I knew it was cold out, so I didn't really care to get out and walk. But he insisted. So we stopped and walked about two blocks to where the site where the WTC once stood. It was odd that my first thoughts when I got right up next to the site was flashbacks of where I was and what I was doing that very moment on September 11, 2001. I thought about the terror those people felt it was so sad. We then ducked into a pizza place for my first taste of authentic New York pizza and it was yummy. We then walked back to the car and my brother took me on one hell of a ride. He drove me by Radio City Music Hall, The Empire State Building, Central Park, Madison Square Garden, and then finally he stopped and parked and we were at Time Square. It was very busy, and exciting to see. We got our pic taken on those red stairs they had set up. We got back in the truck and I had enough of NYC so we took the Holland Tunnel and went home. I know I only spent about 3 hours there and it was neat to see, but I wasn't all that impressed. SORRY! I think you get it in your head that it is just the same as you would see on TV. And to an extent it is. But I just thought it was too crowded, noisy, FREEZING, and somewhat dirty and it didn't smell too good. At the same time I am glad I got to see it. And maybe I will plan a trip during the summer season in the future.

Day #6 Lazy Day

We were thinking about going to the shore today but decided with gas prices the way they are and we were kinda tired anyway, it would be cool just to skip it and stay home. We watched TV and then Bryce decided he couldn't stand it any longer and just HAD to do something. So we went and saw the movie, The Adjustment Bureau. It was really pretty good. I enjoyed it. Then we went and had dinner at the Iron Skillet where Bryce decided he had to show the waitress that he could in fact eat a double chicken fried steak meal. HAHA. He felt that later.

*btw, I know the pic I posted had nothing to do with the day, but I wanted to post a pic and couldn't find one that I took that day, so you got another shot of Arlington, I mean, it is cool right?

Day #7 Philly

My last day in the North East. We headed to Philly so I could tour the sites. He took me to Joe's where I got my first genuine Philly Cheese steak. Oh wow, it was so good! Then it was time to be a tourist again. First off we were at the Liberty Bell, then we saw where the original house where George Washington and for a time, John Adams lived while president. We then realized we had a few hours til our tickets would let us see Independence Hall and my brother just had to have his coffee fix. We found the closest Starbucks at a Mall Downtown. I had seen a sign pointing the way to Ben Franklin's grave and..ooh! A Graveyard!! Bryce trudged along with me and we went into this old cemetery and saw his grave. Between that and all the other really old plots, I was in heaven!!! We then headed over to the Constitution center and saw some of the exhibits and the 'show' and then went back to Independence Hall to take the tour. If you could get past the intense lecture that our guide felt inclined to do, it was really awesome to see the place where they signed the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. We then returned to the Constitution Center and I looked at the exhibits, took the oath of the President of the United States and then we saw the special exhibit they had on of "Spies, Traitors and Saboteurs." We then got back in the truck and Bryce drove me past the infamous Art Museum where Rocky ran up the stairs. I love pop culture.

Day #8 Home Sweet Home

Last day, well not really, this was the day I headed home. I was sad that my trip was over, but excited to get home to my hubby and kids. Bryce was coming with me so that was an added bonus. We got a ride on the Rapid Rover back to Philly and boarded the flight. When I saw Las Vegas in the distance I just about jumped for joy while on the plane. I was so glad to be home. I know Las Vegas isn't home, but it is close to my home and I know where I am and there is a certain familiarity there. My cousin picked us up from the airport and we went to my Aunt's house so my Grandma and everyone could see Bryce. We had dinner at a Buffet, something Bryce was just dying for, and then came home. When I finally made it to Cedar, I couldn't help but sneak into Dylan's room and give him a kiss and tell him "Mom is home." He was so happy he had tears in his eyes. I know he was having a hard time the last couple of days I was gone, so that was why I just had to go in there and give him a love.

So there you have it. My trip. I had so much fun, I can't believe all I did. I am hoping to someday soon take Tom there. I am sure he would enjoy it as much as I did.

uh huh

K, I am not quite where I wanna be physically. But I want to document this journey so I can look back and laugh. I took some before pictures when I started this. The following will show you what months of hard work look like. I am not at a place mentally where I feel ready to post full shots of me in nothing but a bikini. But I did manage to get a bikini top on. But FIRST here are the dreaded pics of me in June 2009. This is what 1 year and a half of depression, over eating, not being physical and letting yourself go after having a baby look like. From the front and from the side. This is so GROSS! I am cringing at the thought that I am actually putting these out there for you all to see. But that was when I hit over 210 pounds. Today I am about 180. But before you wonder what happened, let me remind you that I am working out for at least an hour 4-5 days a week a lot of which is strength training. AND my diet is limited to 1400-1500 calories a day, when you eat that little you make what you eat count! So say hello to protein, fresh veggies, fresh fruits and whole grains. Muscle weighs more than fat and I am losing inches. I have lost one inch around my stomach in the past week. So here is me today. I am not a skinny minnie but you can tell that I have been working hard. You can see most of it in my face. This is extremely uncomfortable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self Induced Torture

Ok, well the holidays came and are long gone. They were nice and simple and perfect. :) With the coming of the new year came the realization that I hadn't lost the last twenty. I still wasn't in the mental mode to do it so I put it off. Then one morning came the AHA! moment. I got on my scale and 10 of the pounds I had lost had magically reappeared! This was in February. After the dreaded 34th birthday. I decided it was time to kick it in gear and get this butt of mine in shape. I got online and saw that Gold's Gym was having a free 7 day trial period. I thought, "What the heck" I wasn't about to commit to a one or two year contract but 7 days might help. I filled out the online form and within 5 minutes they called me from the Gym in Cedar. Wowzers! They asked if I could come down the next day so I hauled Colton and myself down there in the morning. We discussed my options, goals, etc and then I found out that they had a new non commitment program where you pay month to month and you can leave at any time. It cost $1 to join and it was $29 a month after that. It would be $21 but you see I have these little rugrats that will need to use the childcare. I decided to sign up. Part of it was a free session with a Personal Trainer. So within the week I met with this guy. I am highly motivated and really want to know what I need to do. Well he kicked my butt. Oh...Wow. An ex-military fella. I hated every second of it, but loved it too. I asked about maybe a few more sessions to get me on the right track. He was really the head "trainer" so he assigned me to a guy, "Luigi" and got me a deal. I have met with Mr. Luigi two out of my 3 times. Nothing like a muscle clad 23 year old to push me beyond my limits. I have been feeling the burn. However I panicked when I saw I was GAINING weight. Despite the fact that I was on a strict 1400 calorie diet and exercising all the time. The trainers said that it was a good thing, I should be happy cause it is muscle. Oh alright!!! Still, kind of a shocker. I have also been instructed to stay away from the scale. No problemo!!! I have done a couple of classes, there is one instructor who is a beast. You walk out of there exhausted, dripping with sweat and you swear you are going to go straight to the hospital after leaving that class. I also tried Zumba. Everyone I know swears by it. I thought it was fun, but it just doesn't seem like my cup o tea. I will try it again. Colton LOVES going to the gym cause his "friends" are there and he can play with toys. Every now and then the other two join him in there. But I like to go in the morning because it isn't such a meat market then. Oh and a bonus....FREE TANNING! You bet!

My other motivation besides the impeding summer season, is that I am going on Vacation! YAY! My brother has been in New Jersey for around 8 years. I have not been there yet. PATHETIC! So I decided it was long over due that I pay the Butthead a visit. I will be flying from Vegas to Philly, one stop in Chicago, on March 22. I am so excited! That is less than two weeks away. I will be meeting up with some friends in the Philly area that night and then my bro is going to come pick me up. He is supposed to be getting leave while I am there so we can go all over. He plans to take me to the Philadelphia historical sites, NYC, Atlantic City and then we are also hoping to make it to Washington DC. The one place he hasn't been. There is so much that I want to do like go to the little New England towns, particularly ones with major historical significance. Doubt we will get all of it done, but spending time being idiots with my bro, more than makes up for that! I will be going alone. It will be so much fun just us being "tourists" and spending time together. I haven't seen him in 2 years! Then I come back on the 29th. Which I should be sad, but, my brother is flying back with me. YAY! He got a ticket on the same flight as me. He is getting a bunch of leave because in May he is going over seas.